Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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