I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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