That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
