I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
