I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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