The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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