if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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