i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize