So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
