goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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