Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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