you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
