You don't have asthma, your pregnant
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
