Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
