the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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