i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
