Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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