There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
