i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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