Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
