My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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