seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
