i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
