If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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