I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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