Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
