I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
