i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
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