And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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