I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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