So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize