Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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