I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize