Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
