My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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