that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
