Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just pee around me
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
