I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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