Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
