I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize