I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
