oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
