I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
