I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
