you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
