paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
