I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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