i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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