Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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