end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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