why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize