Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
