I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
