somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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