The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I did not marry a roomba.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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