i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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