I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
