if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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