i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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