At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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