Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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