Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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