i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize