she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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