Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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