I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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